The Examined Life

I Am!

So, I find that this blog thing is more than just a little FaceBook post about one or two things, or a little text to a loved one or friend, it's a re-examination of myself and what powers my motivation and direction at this time in my life. 

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
― Socrates
I wonder if Socrates could ever imagine the pace that our day would have. The amount of conversations we have almost every minute of the day, some without meeting face to face. There are so many things that demand attention that you go and go, you multi-task, you let some things go, you procrastinate other things and every minute there is a choice. Is that like examining your life as a gazillion things flow through your mind when making a choice like the pros, the cons, the long effects, the short term effects, is choice like a step that you need to do #1, so #2 and #3 can be done? I would to like to say that we do examine ourselves minute by minute, but sometimes, we need to step back and see the big picture every now and then. Maybe, right now, this is my big picture moment.



“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
In all honesty, this is not the big picture time. I have tons of stuff to be working on, things I that I've put off for too long. Things I'm incredibly late for like birthday presents and cards. Maybe it could be that I just can't decide. Maybe I'm lost in the forest of "Things to Do" and I can't see the forest for the trees. Here I sit and can't find the courage to really look at myself. I ask myself who I truly am and can I look honestly? Am I happy with the choices I've made?

1 Corinthians 13:12
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
I must know that I cannot look see myself as I am. I feel like the dog who chases it's own tail, wanting the "prize" but the prize is ever out of reach. I admit, my self esteem is my major blocking point. I'm in fault mode only, it seems, and I find myself quite unwilling to find any outstanding thing accomplishment or talent. I feel mediocre at best and it is true, I "see through a glass darkly. . ".


"My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue,
An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view."
-- Carole King, Tapestry

There is whole lot of living left to do. So many things to learn, to know, to do and to love. Years ago, Dennis and I were once told that we must write the answer to want we want in our lives, then write the questions to obtain it. Each experience colors my tapestry and adds texture, feeling and meaning to my life. So, it would seem, that my tapestry has a design and it would be the big picture. Quite simply, I love my Father in Heaven. I know that Jesus Christ is His son and that He lives. I know that God the Father and His son, Jesus Christ, appeared to Joseph Smith and through him, the gospel and the priesthood have been restored to the earth. I want to return and live with my Heavenly Father in heaven with all my family. I want to follow the example of my elder brother, Jesus Christ.

we are the offspring of God: Acts 17:29 .
heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ: Rom. 8:17 .

I am a woman in process.  I'm just trying like everybody else.  I try to take every conflict, every experience, and learn from it.  Life is never dull.
-- Oprah Winfrey

I am here! I am to have experiences! I am to know failure and success! I am to love and be loved! I am to make a difference!

You Can Never Catch Up . . . . .I'll try anyway!

It's ten months later.  Much later than I intended.  So much has happened.  Here's a brief timeline.


May:  In high gear for Caitlyn and Chris's June 28th wedding.  Finding respite care for my mother-in-law, Martha Park, while we are in Las Vegas June 9-12 for George's graduation from Weapons School (Erin's husband).  Planning on things for one of our first initial Dennis & Maxine Park Family Reunion, the two of us, our five children and sweethearts and our 9 grandchildren.


June:  Respite Care at the Royal Columbian, Martha stays for a week, gets sick there.  The day we go to bring her home, she's too sick to come home and we have her transported to the hospital.  She has pneumonia and urinary track infection and stays in the hospital for 6 days. She is too weak to come home.  We make arrangements for an assisted living place called Richland Gardens. 
For the wedding, we decide to get new living room carpet and to replace the torn vinyl in the kitchen.  BAD IDEA, but lovely results.  We make arrangements to do this while we are in Las Vegas, with Kellen's help.  The wedding is lovely.  It is a lovely affair, we love Chris's family, everyone helps and friends came and did so much for me.  They absolutely saved my life, at least what was left of my sanity.  I will be forever grateful for their assistance, their love and friendship.  Chris and Caitlyn are married in a Civil Ceremony in the decorated Cultural Hall of our Church building at 4 in the afternoon.  We have a light dinner for the wedding guests, who were just close family and some extended family, followed by the reception at 7 pm.  The wedding was on a Tuesday, so Wednesday and Thursday, all of us hang out, jump in the big Bouncing house thing we rented for the grandkids in the back yard, play games, play in the water (I think) and then go to Portland for the Ira & Nina Brown Family Reunion in Portland.


July:  1st through 4th - The Brown Family Reunion.  On Saturday we all had arranged to go to John Incredible Pizza.  It was perfect for the estimated 65 of us.  Great for the great-children, grandchildren, and the rest of us.  It was a wonderful time to be there and see everyone.
4th:  The Park clan headed home for one more day together, except for Steve and his family, they headed back home.  We had a 2nd birthday party for Haydn, saw the Fireworks and came home exhausted, but happy.  The following day, our family left and we were alone, Dennis, Kellen and I.  But not for long, Dennis and I headed to Utah at the end of the week to bring the wedding presents to Caitlyn and Chris.  Stayed for a few days in a hotel for our own little vacation and headed back home. 


August:  Kellen is engaged to Angle Sloan.  We are thrilled and now we eagerly plan another wedding in November.  Dennis's only uncle on his father's side passes away and at the last minute, decide we need to go and grieve with our Park family side. 

September:  Dennis surprises me with an early anniversary present.  We spend 10 days in the land of my father, NE Minnesota on Ojibwa land.  We spend the first night in Hayward, Wisconsin, the birthplace of my grandmother and some of her family at the Lac Courte Oreilles casino.  My grandmother's grandfather was a chief there, as was his father and his father before him.  We visit grave sites of ancestors, talk with most gifted Indian genealogist there is, view some of her records of my ancestors and we are overwhelmed with reverence at having walked where they walked.  I get a chance to rice on Nett Lake.  My attempts are pitiful,  but it is the experience I'm after, not the money a good rice crop can bring in.  Dennis gets to fish on Lake Superior out of Duluth with my brothers and Dad.  We love it!  I spend a week in Portland for my Mother's birthday and help with the moving.  My mother, my sister Amy and family (Shane, Phoebe and Morgan - 2 dogs) and Jeanine are moving into a larger home.  Mom's health not good as her kidneys are failing, Phoebe's CF is having a bigger impact on quality of life and it just makes sense to bear these burdens together.


October:  working on Kellen and Angel's wedding.  Love their colors - light mocha, chocolate brown, and red.  They have decided to be married in Portland, Oregon temple on November 22, 2011 or 11/22/11!  Their reception to be on December 17th at the Country Gentlemen in their banquet hall. My father, Ira Brown, decides to accept our invitation to join us for the winter, as he wasn't able to get utilities into the little place he is building. 


November:  we've got housing arranged in Portland (renting a house in Tualatin) and Dennis arranges for the girls (Erin, Lauren and Caitlyn) to fly up for the wedding.  Steve and Bekki stay with us at the home which is a vacation rental.  Wedding is sweet and wonderful.  Angel's father died when she was 18 and it was just her Mom (Meg) and her brother there.  It was good to have the family there.  We had a Wedding Luncheon at the Oswego Grill and Shauna made a gorgeous and delicious cake.  


This is no longer brief.  I'll catch up some more a little later.  I'll add some pictures too!  I got to cover the best of the highlights so far.  Did I mention that I still feel like a nutcase after last year's events?  Well, I do and it was a grand adventure, a roller coaster ride with thrills and spills, but that's the way it is around here.  Nothing is ordinary!

Busy!

Finally, after such a long wait for me, here is my latest post.  It's not that I couldn't find the words to express the past couple of months, it's just that there's too much going on and even I, who has never suffered from knowing what to say and probably says way too much, am daunted by the sheer volume of things going on in my life.  Here's a brief outline:
1.  My father was here for 4 months while Dennis redid all the dental work in his mouth.  It was so fun having him here.
2.  My daughter Caitlyn and I are planning on her wedding.  It is coming up so very soon, June 28, 2011.  Yahoo!!!!!
3.  My 29 year old single son met a lovely young lady and they are now beginning to talk about getting married.  It has been a joy getting to know her and seeing my son so happy!
4.  My niece, Phoebe (who has Cystic Fibrosis) went through the final procedures and tests that were grueling, tiring, and required several lengthy hospital stays is now officially listed on the double-lung transplant list.  Because of the severity of her condition, she is now #2 on the waiting list.  
5.  Been to the blessing of my 9th grandchild, Lauren's daughter (her fourth) Rosalie Arlene and I got to finally spend some time with Lauren's family while working with Caitlyn on planning her wedding.
6.  Working the Social Media in my husband's dental practice.  I must say, that is one of the more intimidating things to do.  I think I'd rather plan a wedding, which isn't very fun either.
7.  I finally hired some help to come and take care of my mother-in-law in the mornings.  This frees up my whole morning and it is more of a relief than I thought it would be.  She is paying for her help because she does have some money to do that.
8.  Just got back from Portland at 5 am this morning.  I left just a little after 11 PM last night and I had to sleep a couple hours at a rest stop only 45 minutes from home.  I'm home, my stuff is unpacked but exploded all over my bedroom.  Don't you just love doing laundry after a trip?
9.  I've put planning the 4th of July Brown Family reunion off because I needed a least $50 bucks from everyone coming to reserve accommodations at a group rate.  Some of the Brown family just said they'd send it as soon as I needed it, but not enough people responded and I spent weeks and countless hours tracking down addresses, emails and cellphone numbers to text, call, e-mail or do a group Facebook post to get information to them and get their feedback.  There could be a total of about 70 people there.  Not enough responded to make the 25% deposit on the facility.   Now, I think, they will have to fend for themselves.  


Anyway, I'm really late for work now.  I think my boss, my loving and patient husband, will be just a little upset with me.  He is really so sweet and understanding of all I do.  While I know my mode of functioning is upsetting to his basic mode of functioning, we still manage to love and support each other.  I've come to realize over the years, that some things just won't change and I love him more than I am bothered by the things that he does that irritate me.  Once we change our near-sided perceptions of our each other's faults, we are beyond happy that we are eternal companions.

Hello Again!

     If you must know, I'm more of a private person and this blogging thing is hard for me.  I am still struggling to learn my way around all the social media things I need to do for my husband's dental practice in addition to keeping up with all the stuff I was doing before.  My father is here while Dennis is taking care of some of his dental needs.  It seems to be taking forever, however, it is a process and it shouldn't be rushed.  I'm reading Dennis's dental magazines and anything dental related to glean content for the social media things.   I'm working with Caitlyn on her wedding and collecting ideas for that.  I'm keeping track of Gr. Martha's health concerns which seems to change on a daily basis and have finally found some help in getting her up, cleaned up, dressed and breakfast prepared.  But, the faster I go, the more behinder I seem to get.
     Here it is 4 AM on a Monday morning and I haven't been to bed yet.  I did shopping at midnight and made it to 3 stores before I found all that was on my list.  Still missing a few things, but nothing is pressing.  I'm tired.  I have a million more things to do.  So what do I do, I'm blogging!  
     I'm also very worried.  Caitlyn and Chris are not worthy to have a temple wedding.  I'm sad by that.  For this to happen to another one of my daughters is hard for me.   I feel I have failed as a mother.  I should have been more diligent in my motherly duties.  I should have prayed harder for her.  Yes, I know, she is an agent unto herself and she and Chris have made a series of small mistakes that made it easier to make a big one.  But. . . . she is my girl, whom I love with all my heart and my heart hurts.
     I am worried about my sister-in-law, Marilynn.  She is Dennis's only sister.  She is the youngest in the family.  She is married and lives in Avondale, AZ.  Her husband is unable to work and is on disability and she is the sole breadwinner for the family.  Her two children are teenagers, Rachelle is a junior in high school and James is in 8th grade.  Her life is stressed enough, but add to her trails to bear is her diagnoses of an invasive breast cancer.  Her life in the balance, the thought of not being able to see her children grow up, go to college, go on missions, fall in love, get married and have children of their own is her big worry now.  Not to mention that she seems to be carrying this load by herself.  Her husband is unable to talk to her about "cancer", that big ugly word that throws a monkey wrench into your life.  She  does not want to tell her mother, my sweet mother-in-law, who lives here in this house.  Dennis and I and stunned and worried about her, but we carry our worry in private so as to follow Marilynn's wishes in sparing her mother from worrying too much.  
     I feel her pain.  I know a mother's thoughts and fears about her children.  Children need mothers.  I feel her sense of betrayal that her body has let her down and become her enemy to her own life.  I feel her loneliness and isolation.  She needs a shoulder to cry on.  She needs hugs.  She needs someone to keep her daily life going.  I wish I could be that someone, but I cannot.
     Life goes on.  It is Monday.  Caitlyn and Chris are coming up from Utah today.  Dennis is not working in the office this week.  We have a few days of vacation up at Wapato Point near Lake Chelan.  I will enjoy the late winter get away.  It gives me hope.  Hope that the winter ravaged landscape will no longer appear dead when the spring finally arrives.  Hope that life is everlasting.  Faith in my Savior's Atonement that my sins have been paid with his blood, that I can take His yoke upon me and bear what seems so unbearable.  I know Jesus lives and has borne all my pain and sorrows.  I know that He has opened the way for us to return to our Father in Heaven where I can live with my family forever, that there is life everlasting after this mortal life with the ones I love.  It is a comfort.  It is joy!  It is a bright sunrise after a stormy night.  It is hope.

My baby girl is getting married!

This is long awaited happy news for us.  Cait and I have had a frank discussions on her love life before the big engagement.  They had been dating about 8 or 9 months when I first asked her about their love life.


Me:  So, Cait, you and Chris have been dating for ions according to the Utah Young Mormon Singles dating timeline.  After about 4 months, there is usually some kind of decision on whether to keep dating or an engagement.  So what's up with you and Chris?
Cait:   We're still together.
Me:    Does that mean you're dating exclusively?  You're dating just as friends?  Does this mean you haven't decided yet?
Cait:   We're dating.  I don't date anyone else.
Me:    Are you guys talking marriage or do you two avoid that?
Cait:   We've mentioned it.
Me:    Is that a good thing?
Cait:   Yes.
Me:   So, you two are talking marriage like in you both want to marry each other?
Cait.  Yes.
Me:   (I waited for her to add more to her "yes", but after about 10 seconds or FOREVER, I answered)
          YAHOOOOO!!!!!  You guys are getting married!!!!!  I'm so excited!  So, does that mean you are      looking for rings?  Does this mean you have a date?
Cait:   Mom!  Mom!  We're just thinking about it.
Me:    Well that's is still really cool!  I'm still excited!  How do you feel about this?
Cait:   Yeah, I'm OK with this.
Me:    Are you two really happy together?
Cait:   Yeah!  We like hanging out together.
Me:    Do you really love each other?
Cait:   I guess we do.  We hang out.
Me:    Woooo HOOOOO!  You guys are getting married!!!
Cait:   Mom!  Mom!  Nothing's official yet.  We're just thinking about it.
Me:   Get a move on, girl!  Tell Chris to hurry up and ask you already.  We've got some planning to do!   What are you two waiting around for?


As you can tell, Cait tends to be very low-key about stuff.  I thought she would let go and be a little animated about this, but Cait is just a quiet girl.  I hope Chris doesn't mind that.

On January 31, 2011, Chris officially asked Caitlyn to marry him.  They went for a drive and ended up near their old apartment complex (that's where they met - they were neighbors and in the same Ward together) and they took a walk out by the soccer fields at UVU.  He got down on his knee and took the ring out of his pocket and said, "I brought you here to ask you to marry me because this is where I fell in love in with you".  She immediately sent us a picture text of her hand with the ring on her finger.  I called when I had a moment and was just so happy that I could only scream in the phone.  


So here it is, almost two weeks later and I am in agony.  There is no date yet.  There is no plan yet.  I feel like a sprinter in a starting position waiting for the gun to go off but it DOESN'T go off and you wait and wait and wait and wait.  The waiting is just driving me crazy.  I posted on Facebook today that I have lots of ideas for the wedding and I'm planning it in my head already and I asked Cait & Chris to hurry up and feed me some needed info.  I guess I'm just to impatient to wait.  I feel like going down there and to do the NCIS head slap to the back of the head and tell them to get a move on and not leave until I get an answer.  Well, assaulting my daughter and my future son-in-law is probably not a good thing but really, do you think anyone can blame me?

Counting My Blessings!

Did I happen to mention that I have the cutest grandchildren.  I love hearing little stories about each one of them.  In just a few weeks, there will be nine grandchildren.  The oldest one just lost his first tooth.  He was a baby just a minute ago and now he is just a take-charge kind of guy, a leader in his family, a guy who likes to keep things figured out.  My oldest granddaughter will be turning 5 next week.  Already her talents are so apparent: she sings, she is doing well in her piano studies (Thank you, Celi), she is reading (good job Mommy Lauren) and she loves studying the gospel.  Dallin, grandchild #3, has a perpetual grin on his face that just hints of mischief, but he loves to express his love to his mother often and me when I get to be around him.  Taylor Jean is grandchild #4 and she has the best laugh.  At 3 years of age, she has her father's quick wit, a love of music and dancing, and promise of being an exceptional athlete.  Next is grandchild #5, Morgan Amelia, who has got the art of looking cute down pat, a girl who thinks that building a snowman in the house was a great idea at the time and can get away with it by a tilt of her head and a killer smile.  Jaedyn is #6 and she is Taylor's shadow, dance partner and her big sister's biggest fan.  She is a mommy's girl and I just adore it when she snuggles up in her mother's lap with her thumb in her mouth and the other hand holding her pigtail.  Sadie is number 7 and up until a few months ago, seemed to be a quiet observer of her older sisters and sideline participant.  Now that she can run, the others will have just keep up.  Go Sadie!  Like her mother, she has mastered the art of language and self expression.  Yeah, Lauren, have fun with that!  And Haydn, grandchild #8 is a lovely little boy.  He is also a mommy's boy and when his mother was gone for two weeks, he let me love and snuggle with him.  I loved that he felt it was his job to throw what ever was in his reach down the stairs.  I know I shouldn't have encouraged it, but it just cracked me up the stuff he would throw down the stairs.  I can't wait to tell stories about grandchild #9, a little girl who will have 3 older sisters.  She is so lucky to have 3 best friends when she comes.

 It is so amazing to me that my children are parents.  It is also so amazing to me that my children who are married have eternal companions that are phenomenal people.  Their love for each other just radiates and enriches them.  It's like regular TV versus HD TV, like food without salt versus food with salt, like viewing life with sunglasses as opposed to viewing life without the sunglasses.  We are so lucky to have two more sons and one more lovely daughter without the pregnancy part.  Who knows, I may love them more because of that!  Just kidding!

I'm not done with this post, but  (yawn.....) I WAY too tired right now.  I love my bed!  I'm going there right now!

AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Boy has time got away from me!  It just shot right by!  In the back of my head there is a constant soundtrack to my life.  On days I'm trying to work and get a lot done, I hear my soundtrack acting like the narrative of my life.  Case in point:


Time, time, time, see what's become of me 
While I looked around 
For my possibilities 
I was so hard to please 
But look around, leaves are brown 
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter 

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/simon+and+garfunkel/#share


See what I mean?


Ok, I love Simon & Garfunkel.  I listen to them or some of my other favorites and suddenly I'm transported back in time to that moment when I listened with intent and thought about the words.  Sometimes that takes me back to my teen days in California.  Sometimes, I'm a newlywed in Seattle while Dennis is in school and sometimes I'm in the car running those thousands of errands that a soccer mom of five has to take care of.  Sometimes, the memories are in layers and all those memories come at once like a collage of thoughts, feelings, memory pictures of faces with the sounds and smells.


So, if I'm feeling a little ineffective like I'm butting my head against a wall, Simon & Garfunkel again with the chorus to "The Boxer".  Lately, my happy music is Santana's "Supernatural" and "Shaman".  My calm soundtrack are hymns.  Those are mostly sung my favorite Men's Chorus, those lovely boys at BYU.  I LOVE THOSE GUYS!!!  They are also my "stay awake" music, especially when I'm driving because I like to "lead" the music.  I can't tell you how many people have waved back at me because they thought I was waving to them.  Folks, I'm leading the music, can't you tell??  And most of all, the soundtrack when I think of my children when they were little and my grandchildren comes from Primary music.  There is no sweeter sound than little voices singing their hearts out.  


Well, I must get back to my life.  It is late and I'm just getting the bedding dry for Grandma Martha's bed.  She said she is OK waiting up until it is finished.  It was a hard day today.  I called her doctor to see if it was time to order labwork done to check for things I'm worried about.  It's amazing how much I know about her health and what I need to do to keep her going.  I'm hoping she isn't too sad that her only other living sibling passed away a few weeks ago.  She loved talking with Catherine and now she is the only one.  She has outlived her friends and her family.  At least she still has all her children and me!