If you must know, I'm more of a private person and this blogging thing is hard for me. I am still struggling to learn my way around all the social media things I need to do for my husband's dental practice in addition to keeping up with all the stuff I was doing before. My father is here while Dennis is taking care of some of his dental needs. It seems to be taking forever, however, it is a process and it shouldn't be rushed. I'm reading Dennis's dental magazines and anything dental related to glean content for the social media things. I'm working with Caitlyn on her wedding and collecting ideas for that. I'm keeping track of Gr. Martha's health concerns which seems to change on a daily basis and have finally found some help in getting her up, cleaned up, dressed and breakfast prepared. But, the faster I go, the more behinder I seem to get.
Here it is 4 AM on a Monday morning and I haven't been to bed yet. I did shopping at midnight and made it to 3 stores before I found all that was on my list. Still missing a few things, but nothing is pressing. I'm tired. I have a million more things to do. So what do I do, I'm blogging!
I'm also very worried. Caitlyn and Chris are not worthy to have a temple wedding. I'm sad by that. For this to happen to another one of my daughters is hard for me. I feel I have failed as a mother. I should have been more diligent in my motherly duties. I should have prayed harder for her. Yes, I know, she is an agent unto herself and she and Chris have made a series of small mistakes that made it easier to make a big one. But. . . . she is my girl, whom I love with all my heart and my heart hurts.
I am worried about my sister-in-law, Marilynn. She is Dennis's only sister. She is the youngest in the family. She is married and lives in Avondale, AZ. Her husband is unable to work and is on disability and she is the sole breadwinner for the family. Her two children are teenagers, Rachelle is a junior in high school and James is in 8th grade. Her life is stressed enough, but add to her trails to bear is her diagnoses of an invasive breast cancer. Her life in the balance, the thought of not being able to see her children grow up, go to college, go on missions, fall in love, get married and have children of their own is her big worry now. Not to mention that she seems to be carrying this load by herself. Her husband is unable to talk to her about "cancer", that big ugly word that throws a monkey wrench into your life. She does not want to tell her mother, my sweet mother-in-law, who lives here in this house. Dennis and I and stunned and worried about her, but we carry our worry in private so as to follow Marilynn's wishes in sparing her mother from worrying too much.
I feel her pain. I know a mother's thoughts and fears about her children. Children need mothers. I feel her sense of betrayal that her body has let her down and become her enemy to her own life. I feel her loneliness and isolation. She needs a shoulder to cry on. She needs hugs. She needs someone to keep her daily life going. I wish I could be that someone, but I cannot.
Life goes on. It is Monday. Caitlyn and Chris are coming up from Utah today. Dennis is not working in the office this week. We have a few days of vacation up at Wapato Point near Lake Chelan. I will enjoy the late winter get away. It gives me hope. Hope that the winter ravaged landscape will no longer appear dead when the spring finally arrives. Hope that life is everlasting. Faith in my Savior's Atonement that my sins have been paid with his blood, that I can take His yoke upon me and bear what seems so unbearable. I know Jesus lives and has borne all my pain and sorrows. I know that He has opened the way for us to return to our Father in Heaven where I can live with my family forever, that there is life everlasting after this mortal life with the ones I love. It is a comfort. It is joy! It is a bright sunrise after a stormy night. It is hope.
