Christmas and the Great Beyond

I had a fun Christmas.  I'm sitting here tired and my mind can see the day go by and unfold in my memory, but words fail to materialize out of the head.  I do need to say that I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to hear my family sing Carols this year.  It was all me, when I could sneak a moment, but yet the others didn't join in.  Towards the end of the day, Steve & Bekki came and we all got to play with the little granddaughters, Taylor and Jaedyn who transformed into Fairies after opening their gifts.
Marilynn, Rachelle and James arrrived the day after Christmas.  Busy day, but rich with family.

I'm tired beyond reason right now.  I want to stay current on this blog thing, but I'm not doing a good job.

Well, maybe it shouldn't be about me.  I'm worried about Erin as George gets ready to leave for a 6 month assignment.  Worried about his driving in such hazardous conditions and being away for so long.  I'm worried about not being there for Lauren when #4 little girl is born in February.  I'm worried about Shawn as he has some disappointments and tragedy to overcome.  I'm worried about Cait and whether or not she is saving enough money for school, missing too much church because she is working and maybe not keeping up with her day to day tasks because of work and Chris.  I'm worried that Steve has such high expectations of himself that he is putting too much pressure on himself to do well is all that he does.  I'm worried for Kellen that the pressures of a competitive academic environment will be too stressful for him as well.  I worry!  I feel anxious!  I wish there were more I could do to relieve burdens and offer comfort.  And that's just my children I'm worried about.  I didn't even mention Dennis's family or my family.

I want to think that the New Year is a fun exciting blank page, but I see it as unchartered with no clear direction.  It gets harder every year.  This year I dread it.  2011 is going to beat me up!

I'm not one to suffer from seasonal depression and don't consider this to be a mental bump in the road.  Things are hard.  Economy still suffering putting hardships on the business.  Grandma Martha's health is declining and it is getting harder to care for her in my home.  I'm more trapped in my house than every before.  I don't know.  What can I say?  The great beyond is just one more thing to endure.

Snow

I look out over the back deck from the kitchen and look at the 2-3 inches of snow that blankets the outside.  I know it's winter.  Snow is good for the crops next spring.  I know this weather is expected, but there is a part of me that wishes it wouldn't be so darn hard to move around in.  

When I see snow, it illicits a memory barrage of snow related songs so prevalent around the holidays:

"Let It Snow, Let it Snow"

...."the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful. ....),

Winter Wonderland  

"Sleigh bells ring, are you listening, 

In the lane, snow is glistening

A beautiful sight,

We're happy tonight.

Walking in a winter wonderland. . . . . 

. . . . . . . . When it snows, ain't it thrilling,

Though your nose gets a chillin’

We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,

Walking in a winter wonderland."

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

"............I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Just like the ones I used to know

Where the treetops glisten, and children listen

To hear sleigh bells in the snow ............."

I sometimes think that those that wish for snow and pray for a white Christmases are more than those of us who would rather not see snow where we live.  Rosemary, my sister-in-law is one of those who welcomes the snow and enjoys it.  My Dad is another who does enjoy the snow.  What is funny about these people is that in my memory, I do not think these people ski, snowshoe, sled, ice skate or any other winter sport or activity, yet they like the snow, except maybe my Dad.  He once snowmobiled Yellowstone Park for Christmas.  


Snow.  So peaceful to watch.  So clean and pure when fresh fallen.  It seems to let the noise be absorped in it's whiteness.  I'll enjoy it's beauty today.  I'll watch for the light glistening off the snow crested hills.  I'll listen to the crunch of snow and ice under my feet.  Today, I will enjoy the snow.  

It's almost Christmas!!!!

I'm beginning to fill a little like Charlie Brown.  He has the best intentions, but things don't quite always turn out the way he wants and he is so under appreciated.  I'm doing the best I can, but I'm easily distracted.


I'm trying to finish up the Christmas shopping.  I WANT TO BE DONE SO BAD!  


Missing the family this year, but Kellen, he's a keeper.  He is the default kid at the house and will represent his siblings here at Christmas.  He is game for anything and doesn't give me too bad of a time over my idiosyncrasies.  Kellen's birthday is the 21st and he wants Black Rice Pudding.  It's some kind of Thai food and he only likes it at this one place.  I am hosting a Birthday Dinner party for his birthday at his favorite Thai food restaurant.  He has made the reservation for 8 people.  Not all his friends can come.  I'm not a fan of Thai food, but I'm willing to give it a go and celebrate my son's 29 years of making me laugh!


So, Christmas Day is not the big deal at the Park house, it is what is going to happen on the 26th, the day after Christmas and for the rest of the week.  I have invited Dennis's sister, Marilynn, to come up from Arizona with her two children, Rachelle (16) and James (13 and 6'2").  They need to spend some time with Gr. Martha while she is still able to enjoy people's company.  They are staying for a week.  It will be my job to keep the teenagers busy and entertained.  Marilynn will be one the hygienists during that week and will be working with Dennis at his office.  They leave on the Sunday, January 2nd.  


Anyway, all the planning falls on me.  All the doing falls on me.  All the shopping falls on me.  Delegate to Dennis?  I have done that a few times and I have to ask myself, do I really want to make my life a little harder?  He's not that into seeing the vision of what I want done, nor does he truly appreciate the ambiance I wish to imbue to our holiday season celebration.  Maybe it's a guy thing.  I'm really missing my daughters this year.  They understand.  They know!


And not to be bringing attention to myself, but it is my birthday on the 26th.  Yes, little ol' me born the day after Christmas.  I'm used to being forgotten and that's OK.  I'm old and I don't want to be reminded of how old.  I will be cooking my own Christmas dinner:  Emeril's Lasagna, Lettuce and Spinach salad, garlic toasted french bread.  I have never liked birthday cakes so I will also be making my own pies for the occasion.  I'm sure my Mother knows which one I want, yes indeed, a Mincemeat pie!  And for the other, fresh blueberry pie!  Sorry, Dennis, if you buy a frozen pie and think that is good enough, I will throw it like Frisbee to the rottweiler next door.  


All these birthdays really to do help me to remember the true meaning of Christmas, that a little baby was born, that angels proclaimed his birth with great joy, that shepherds came to worship the little babe born the King of Kings, that He was the only Begotten Son in the flesh, that He is the Redeemer of the world.  Yes, I feel such love for my Savior this time of year.  I love singing the Christmas carols.   When I do, I feel like part of the Heavenly choir that sang to the shepherds on that starlit night.  Yes, I love Christmas!  

The Tale of Three Cars and the Christmas Shopper

   Once upon a time, there was this strikingly beautiful wife and grandmother who loved to shop for Christmas.  Each year seemed to bring more grandchildren to love, more family to love and what says "I love you" best than a thoughtfully chosen Christmas gift.  This lovely lady had her shopping time thwarted several times by snow and icy roads, things to do at work and the up and down quality of health of the even older mom, grandmother and great-grandmother who lived in the same home as the lovely lady.  Each time the gorgeous gal would leave to run errands and to shop,  she wondered what car she would be driving that day.
    The lovely lady's favorite car was her little pearl colored 2003 3.25 TLS Acura.  It warmed up fast in the freezing weather and had seat warmers.  The next favorite car was a bright blue 2005 Mazda MPV.  This had lots of room for putting shopping bags full of gifts and goodies in the back.  And last, but not least, was the Grandmother's car, a 1998 black Buick Regal.  In the cold weather with lots of snow and ice, the cars did not have their snow tires on.  Over the course of several days, the cars were rotated in and out of the tire store, the snow tires taken out of storage and were soon all ready for winter driving, except the Buick, which did not have snow tires.
     Also living back at home, was the lovely lady's son, whose car has some minor problems and was not the most reliable vehicle.  It was not always decided between the Lovely Lady, her husband and the son which car each would be driving that day. There were times when no one would check which car they should drive and the last one to chose would have what was left. When the lovely lady would need to drive somewhere, she would wonder what car she would drive that day.
   One day, the Christmas Shopper went out in earnest to finish her shopping so that the gifts could be sent before Christmas.  She shopped and shopped and when her arms were full of packages, she made her way to the car, pulling her keys out ahead of time so that she could be ready to unlock the doors and carefully (plop) her treasures into the car.  She reached the parking lot.  It was cold, dark and a chill wind blew.  She looked for her car, but which one?  Was it the white one?  No, she was sure her son was driving it that day.  It had to be the blue Mazda.  She searched up and down the rows.  No little blue MPV was there, but she was sure she had the MPV.  The key fob, she remembered, try to unlock the door and see what car lights up.  She looked at the key fob and saw it was for the Buick.  That's funny, she thought to herself, why do I have the Buick keys when I drove the MPV?  She looked for the MPV keys but did not find them.  Pushing the unlock button on the key fob revealed the black Buick only a few feet away.   Chagrined, the shopper unburdened her arms of her packages into the opened car.
   Continuing on with her shopping, she went to Fred Meyer's, which had wonderful things to chose from like clothes, shoes, toys, furniture and groceries.  She needed to pick up some things for dinner that night and just a few more items for the grandchildren.  She enjoyed the shopping, walking up and down the aisles trying to remember what was on her list.  At least, the chosen items were purchased and the Gorgeous gal pushed her shopping cart into the dark night (parked in an area where the parking lot light was not working) and looked for her car.
    The icy blast of cold air made her hurry to find her car, except, where exactly did she park the car?  She looked to the left and looked for her car, except which car was she driving?  Once again she was sure it was the MPV.  She wasn't sure if she were close enough to unlock the car with key remote.  She thought she could see her little van, pulled out the key fob remote and tried to unlock the door.  Nothing happened.  She got a little closer to the van and still the remote would not unlock the door.  A glance at the remote revealed that once again, the Lovely Lady had keys for the Buick.  Not again, she thought.  A quick look around to make sure no one noticed she was trying to get into the wrong car and then she made her way through the parking lot still not quite sure where she parked. 

Them bones them bones .. them dry bones

Me, Dennis & his mother,
Gr. Martha on her 90th birthday

       Today was Gr. Martha day.  It was bath day and she had a doctor appointment to see Dr. Staeheli about the possibility of her right hip replacement surgery.  After months of jumping through hoops; like annual exam and blood work with primary care physician, 6 weeks of physical therapy and consult and 3 tests with a cardiologist, the end result is ..... drum roll please..... surgery not recommended because of her age, lack of mobility and need for blood thinners.  Darn, why he didn't say that at the beginning, I don't know.
       We also asked about doing another cortisone shot and this time, he prescribed cortisone in oral form.  She'll need to take some pills and see how things go.  It is amazing how many things you can learn over the course of the day.  
       Poor Gr. Martha.  I just rushed her all day.  Rush to the bath.  Rush getting dressed, hair done and lotion and lipstick.  Rush through breakfast.  Rush to the car and the appointment because I was running a bit late.  Rush to the car afterwards so I can pick her up some dinner at Arby's, drop off her prescription at the Walmart pharmacy, pick up 2 dozen rolls for the Relief Society Christmas program. Rush to drop her off at home, set up her dinner and then I rush out to the car to drop off the rolls at the church and for me to get to the office for an Internet marketing online conference by 5 PM.  
       She declined to go to the Relief Society Christmas dinner.  She stopped rushing and ate her dinner and has been sitting in her new lift recliner watching TV ever since.  

Martha A. Mackley Park
1940

       Things I wish could have been different:
1.  I should have pushed her to have her right hip replacement in 2000 or at least 6 years ago.  She would have been stronger then and she would not have her pain and mobility issues now.
2.  We should've insisted that she move to Kennewick after Gr. Rex passed away in 1994.  Just maybe having a different surgeon doing the left hip replacement would have prevented the nerve damage done by the other surgeon in Walla Walla.  
3.  I know this has nothing to do with Gr. Martha phsyically, but I wish David had never met Kimberly.  Gr. Martha would be happier with that.
       Oh well, the old Brown family saying..wish in one hand,$%*@ in the other and which one fills first?  Wishing doesn't do any good.  Hindsight doesn't keep you moving forward either.
       What is that other saying my mother used to say?  "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"

Wish I didn't have to sleep!

    I'm sure you all have had those days when you know you need to have something done that day and it just doesn't happen for one reason or another.  I started out with a plan on Monday, only to realize that once again, I was over ambitious.  I did get the Christmas stuff out of storage with Kellen's help.  I only got in 3 hours at the office on Monday and I haven't been back since.  Meant to get the Christmas things in the house yesterday, but Dennis took the Mazda with the stuff in it after dinner last night.  I improvised, I shopped the one day sale at Macy's until it closed at 11 pm.  Went home, got Gr. Martha tucked into bed and took a long warm (not hot) shower and slowly got ready for bed.
  I forgot the heating and air/conditioning repairman was coming today for the winter maintenance.  I got caught in my PJ's and I hurried up and got ready before they drove off.  The same young man has been coming for about 6 years.  It is so nice to see a familiar face who knows your history and all that's been done.  
  For some odd reason, I bought Fruity Pebbles.  It took about a month, but I just finished the box.  Chris, Caitlyn told me they were one your favorite cereals.  I don't know why, but for some reason, I have a need to try other people's favorite foods unless I know it will cause me great bodily harm, like spicy foods like salsa, Mexican food, some Asian foods or anything else that isn't MILD.  I'm sorry you all have to hear this, but if it burns going in, it burns coming out!  So, I've tried Fruity Pebbles.  Dottie likes Chocolate Cheerios and I'm giving those a second try.  BTW, diet begins in earnest on January 3rd!
  OK, I'm getting the Christmas stuff out of the car!  I'm setting up the tree!  Alright already!  I'm going!  I'll quit procrastinating.  I just wish I had children around me to help put the tree.  Here's another honesty moment, I really never had those type of children.  Most of the time it wasn't a big family moment to put up and decorate the tree.  Some say I was too picky about where and how the decorating process went.  So to those who now have families of their own, do you understand me now?
  And if I could really get by on 4 hours sleep, I would get a lot more done!  Nah, I'm still trying to figure out how to stay on task.  I think I got the mind of a five year old, no offense to grandchildren who have been 5 or will be 5 shortly.  
  OK, I'm going to decorate!  I think I need lunch.  Blood sugar dropping.  Yawn!  Tired too!

Monday . . . Monday . . . Monday

It's all true, what they say about Mondays.  The day you wake up and find the monotony of your routine begins again.  It's the day you want to get started with a fresh outlook and you tell yourself that you can do impossible things.  It's also the day you discover that you have psyched yourself out of what would have been a semi-productive day.  But today is not "blue".  It's still a happy day because I think I'm still an optimist.  Yeah, I use the word think as if to say that what I am may not be how those in my life and who I meet perceive me as anything but an optimist.  Perhaps I'm the person who loads too much food on their plate because their appetite is too big for their stomach.  Ready or not Monday!  I'm ready to rock!


Monday to do list:
Get the mower and tiller out for pickup and winter storage by Farmer's Exchange.  Get Christmas things out of storage.  Try and put in about 5 hours at the office.  Schedule my visiting teaching.  Do at least 2 loads of laundry.  Dejunk in readiness for company in less than 3 weeks.  Pickup the Christmas Cards I ordered. Work on my Christmas Card list and mail them out. Plan dinner - P90X for Kellen and low sodium for Gr. Martha.  Shop for groceries if needed.  Clean out the refrigerator.  Take the recycling bins out for pickup (like right now).  Finish the Christmas shopping list.  Start wrapping the gifts already bought. Get Grandma up, dressed and ready for the day.  Also get in some scripture study or read conference talks.


See what I mean?  I can do this!  I'm superwoman!  I think I need some chocolate.

The first Sunday in the last month of the year.

Lots of things go through your mind this time of year. A little self retrospect on what you had planned on doing this year versus what you actually did get done. Creating a blog is one thing to check off my list and another thing to check off my bucket list. Not that I have planned on dying this year, but I still have 26 days to the end of the year and anything can happen.

I'm sitting here thinking and letting my fingers expose my thinking process and all that is going through my head is the stuff that isn't done. I feel almost wicked that I don't have my Christmas decorations up. I haven't got any cards out. I haven't planned Christmas goodies or made the gift lists and shopping lists. Christmas really hasn't snuck up any faster than it did last year and the year before that. That magic day, tomorrow, it never really comes. It's always "today" and what I can do today. So what if the snow comes way to early and catches us without snow tires. So what if Grandma is not feeling good and needs a little extra TLC and a doctor visit. So what if your granddaughter, who is 3 years old, calls just to chat and you can hardly understand a word she says but you love every word. So what if your evening of projects falls apart because your husband gives you hug and asks you to come to dinner with him. What is important is done. That is always good to remember.