Don't you just hate times like these? The after Christmas take down to return your home to it's normal state times. Chaos rules here. Other family members here, who shall not be named, would rather I toss it all away and renounce my status as the resident hoarder. I've been threatened with their intentions of alerting that Hoarding show that they found a new victim here at our house and that person would be me. I will not take their taunting lightly. They have touched a nerve that has injured my well protected feelings. Apparently, they have no feelings for things that add richness to our lives by their memories.
Grandma Martha has had problems with her legs swelling for the past couple of months. I have had her in bed for the past couple of days while giving her a medication to draw out the excess water from her body. She is unable to get into bed on her own and has been requiring assistance in walking even while she is holding on to the walker. Last night was down right scary. I had her walk into the bathroom to brush her teeth and use the bathroom and it took her 20 minutes to walk 12 feet. She tried to leave the bathroom to walk to the bedroom to go to bed, but after an additional 20 minutes, I had Dennis bring in the wheelchair. It took both of us to walk her over from the bathroom to the wheelchair in the hallway because the wheelchair would not fit through the bathroom door. It was hard to maneuver the wheelchair in the narrow hallway, but we got her back into the bedroom. It took the two of us to get her up on her feet and onto the bed. Once we got her into bed, we had to move her body to a comfortable position for her because she was unable to do it herself. She was visible upset and very tired after that. She hates being helpless. She has her mind and knows the extent of her decline.
So, I'm a little in escape mode now. I don't wish to pack, sort, find suitable places for stuff, clean, shop, plan menus, pay bills, manage all the paperwork piling up for me and worst of all, map out my fitness goals that includes dieting. Last night, Dennis and I escaped for just a little while. We went to see the movie "True Grit" at the Fairchild in Pasco. It was a great movie and it was nice to escape. However, I had to come back.
I think the thing I would like to escape the most is the decision on what to do with Grandma Martha. I may have reached my limits on what I can do to take care of her in our home. I'm not going to be able to get her in or out of the house without help. I'm not going to get her in the bath any longer. I wonder if she knows that we are looking into nursing homes for her? I wonder if she feels abandoned because she is getting too hard to care for? I wonder what she is so afraid of when she brushes off talk about nursing homes or home care people? I'm thinking it is the cost of everything. Maybe it is the thought of being alone, of dying alone.
My eyes are open. I see the tasks ahead of me. It is a mountain of stuff to do which threatens to bury me and suffocate the life right out of me. I pray for strength to do hard things. I pray for strength to endure. I pray for forgiveness for not wanting to drink my not so bitter cup. I pray that I do not escape.
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