The Examined Life

I Am!

So, I find that this blog thing is more than just a little FaceBook post about one or two things, or a little text to a loved one or friend, it's a re-examination of myself and what powers my motivation and direction at this time in my life. 

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
― Socrates
I wonder if Socrates could ever imagine the pace that our day would have. The amount of conversations we have almost every minute of the day, some without meeting face to face. There are so many things that demand attention that you go and go, you multi-task, you let some things go, you procrastinate other things and every minute there is a choice. Is that like examining your life as a gazillion things flow through your mind when making a choice like the pros, the cons, the long effects, the short term effects, is choice like a step that you need to do #1, so #2 and #3 can be done? I would to like to say that we do examine ourselves minute by minute, but sometimes, we need to step back and see the big picture every now and then. Maybe, right now, this is my big picture moment.



“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
In all honesty, this is not the big picture time. I have tons of stuff to be working on, things I that I've put off for too long. Things I'm incredibly late for like birthday presents and cards. Maybe it could be that I just can't decide. Maybe I'm lost in the forest of "Things to Do" and I can't see the forest for the trees. Here I sit and can't find the courage to really look at myself. I ask myself who I truly am and can I look honestly? Am I happy with the choices I've made?

1 Corinthians 13:12
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
I must know that I cannot look see myself as I am. I feel like the dog who chases it's own tail, wanting the "prize" but the prize is ever out of reach. I admit, my self esteem is my major blocking point. I'm in fault mode only, it seems, and I find myself quite unwilling to find any outstanding thing accomplishment or talent. I feel mediocre at best and it is true, I "see through a glass darkly. . ".


"My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue,
An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view."
-- Carole King, Tapestry

There is whole lot of living left to do. So many things to learn, to know, to do and to love. Years ago, Dennis and I were once told that we must write the answer to want we want in our lives, then write the questions to obtain it. Each experience colors my tapestry and adds texture, feeling and meaning to my life. So, it would seem, that my tapestry has a design and it would be the big picture. Quite simply, I love my Father in Heaven. I know that Jesus Christ is His son and that He lives. I know that God the Father and His son, Jesus Christ, appeared to Joseph Smith and through him, the gospel and the priesthood have been restored to the earth. I want to return and live with my Heavenly Father in heaven with all my family. I want to follow the example of my elder brother, Jesus Christ.

we are the offspring of God: Acts 17:29 .
heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ: Rom. 8:17 .

I am a woman in process.  I'm just trying like everybody else.  I try to take every conflict, every experience, and learn from it.  Life is never dull.
-- Oprah Winfrey

I am here! I am to have experiences! I am to know failure and success! I am to love and be loved! I am to make a difference!

You Can Never Catch Up . . . . .I'll try anyway!

It's ten months later.  Much later than I intended.  So much has happened.  Here's a brief timeline.


May:  In high gear for Caitlyn and Chris's June 28th wedding.  Finding respite care for my mother-in-law, Martha Park, while we are in Las Vegas June 9-12 for George's graduation from Weapons School (Erin's husband).  Planning on things for one of our first initial Dennis & Maxine Park Family Reunion, the two of us, our five children and sweethearts and our 9 grandchildren.


June:  Respite Care at the Royal Columbian, Martha stays for a week, gets sick there.  The day we go to bring her home, she's too sick to come home and we have her transported to the hospital.  She has pneumonia and urinary track infection and stays in the hospital for 6 days. She is too weak to come home.  We make arrangements for an assisted living place called Richland Gardens. 
For the wedding, we decide to get new living room carpet and to replace the torn vinyl in the kitchen.  BAD IDEA, but lovely results.  We make arrangements to do this while we are in Las Vegas, with Kellen's help.  The wedding is lovely.  It is a lovely affair, we love Chris's family, everyone helps and friends came and did so much for me.  They absolutely saved my life, at least what was left of my sanity.  I will be forever grateful for their assistance, their love and friendship.  Chris and Caitlyn are married in a Civil Ceremony in the decorated Cultural Hall of our Church building at 4 in the afternoon.  We have a light dinner for the wedding guests, who were just close family and some extended family, followed by the reception at 7 pm.  The wedding was on a Tuesday, so Wednesday and Thursday, all of us hang out, jump in the big Bouncing house thing we rented for the grandkids in the back yard, play games, play in the water (I think) and then go to Portland for the Ira & Nina Brown Family Reunion in Portland.


July:  1st through 4th - The Brown Family Reunion.  On Saturday we all had arranged to go to John Incredible Pizza.  It was perfect for the estimated 65 of us.  Great for the great-children, grandchildren, and the rest of us.  It was a wonderful time to be there and see everyone.
4th:  The Park clan headed home for one more day together, except for Steve and his family, they headed back home.  We had a 2nd birthday party for Haydn, saw the Fireworks and came home exhausted, but happy.  The following day, our family left and we were alone, Dennis, Kellen and I.  But not for long, Dennis and I headed to Utah at the end of the week to bring the wedding presents to Caitlyn and Chris.  Stayed for a few days in a hotel for our own little vacation and headed back home. 


August:  Kellen is engaged to Angle Sloan.  We are thrilled and now we eagerly plan another wedding in November.  Dennis's only uncle on his father's side passes away and at the last minute, decide we need to go and grieve with our Park family side. 

September:  Dennis surprises me with an early anniversary present.  We spend 10 days in the land of my father, NE Minnesota on Ojibwa land.  We spend the first night in Hayward, Wisconsin, the birthplace of my grandmother and some of her family at the Lac Courte Oreilles casino.  My grandmother's grandfather was a chief there, as was his father and his father before him.  We visit grave sites of ancestors, talk with most gifted Indian genealogist there is, view some of her records of my ancestors and we are overwhelmed with reverence at having walked where they walked.  I get a chance to rice on Nett Lake.  My attempts are pitiful,  but it is the experience I'm after, not the money a good rice crop can bring in.  Dennis gets to fish on Lake Superior out of Duluth with my brothers and Dad.  We love it!  I spend a week in Portland for my Mother's birthday and help with the moving.  My mother, my sister Amy and family (Shane, Phoebe and Morgan - 2 dogs) and Jeanine are moving into a larger home.  Mom's health not good as her kidneys are failing, Phoebe's CF is having a bigger impact on quality of life and it just makes sense to bear these burdens together.


October:  working on Kellen and Angel's wedding.  Love their colors - light mocha, chocolate brown, and red.  They have decided to be married in Portland, Oregon temple on November 22, 2011 or 11/22/11!  Their reception to be on December 17th at the Country Gentlemen in their banquet hall. My father, Ira Brown, decides to accept our invitation to join us for the winter, as he wasn't able to get utilities into the little place he is building. 


November:  we've got housing arranged in Portland (renting a house in Tualatin) and Dennis arranges for the girls (Erin, Lauren and Caitlyn) to fly up for the wedding.  Steve and Bekki stay with us at the home which is a vacation rental.  Wedding is sweet and wonderful.  Angel's father died when she was 18 and it was just her Mom (Meg) and her brother there.  It was good to have the family there.  We had a Wedding Luncheon at the Oswego Grill and Shauna made a gorgeous and delicious cake.  


This is no longer brief.  I'll catch up some more a little later.  I'll add some pictures too!  I got to cover the best of the highlights so far.  Did I mention that I still feel like a nutcase after last year's events?  Well, I do and it was a grand adventure, a roller coaster ride with thrills and spills, but that's the way it is around here.  Nothing is ordinary!

Busy!

Finally, after such a long wait for me, here is my latest post.  It's not that I couldn't find the words to express the past couple of months, it's just that there's too much going on and even I, who has never suffered from knowing what to say and probably says way too much, am daunted by the sheer volume of things going on in my life.  Here's a brief outline:
1.  My father was here for 4 months while Dennis redid all the dental work in his mouth.  It was so fun having him here.
2.  My daughter Caitlyn and I are planning on her wedding.  It is coming up so very soon, June 28, 2011.  Yahoo!!!!!
3.  My 29 year old single son met a lovely young lady and they are now beginning to talk about getting married.  It has been a joy getting to know her and seeing my son so happy!
4.  My niece, Phoebe (who has Cystic Fibrosis) went through the final procedures and tests that were grueling, tiring, and required several lengthy hospital stays is now officially listed on the double-lung transplant list.  Because of the severity of her condition, she is now #2 on the waiting list.  
5.  Been to the blessing of my 9th grandchild, Lauren's daughter (her fourth) Rosalie Arlene and I got to finally spend some time with Lauren's family while working with Caitlyn on planning her wedding.
6.  Working the Social Media in my husband's dental practice.  I must say, that is one of the more intimidating things to do.  I think I'd rather plan a wedding, which isn't very fun either.
7.  I finally hired some help to come and take care of my mother-in-law in the mornings.  This frees up my whole morning and it is more of a relief than I thought it would be.  She is paying for her help because she does have some money to do that.
8.  Just got back from Portland at 5 am this morning.  I left just a little after 11 PM last night and I had to sleep a couple hours at a rest stop only 45 minutes from home.  I'm home, my stuff is unpacked but exploded all over my bedroom.  Don't you just love doing laundry after a trip?
9.  I've put planning the 4th of July Brown Family reunion off because I needed a least $50 bucks from everyone coming to reserve accommodations at a group rate.  Some of the Brown family just said they'd send it as soon as I needed it, but not enough people responded and I spent weeks and countless hours tracking down addresses, emails and cellphone numbers to text, call, e-mail or do a group Facebook post to get information to them and get their feedback.  There could be a total of about 70 people there.  Not enough responded to make the 25% deposit on the facility.   Now, I think, they will have to fend for themselves.  


Anyway, I'm really late for work now.  I think my boss, my loving and patient husband, will be just a little upset with me.  He is really so sweet and understanding of all I do.  While I know my mode of functioning is upsetting to his basic mode of functioning, we still manage to love and support each other.  I've come to realize over the years, that some things just won't change and I love him more than I am bothered by the things that he does that irritate me.  Once we change our near-sided perceptions of our each other's faults, we are beyond happy that we are eternal companions.

Hello Again!

     If you must know, I'm more of a private person and this blogging thing is hard for me.  I am still struggling to learn my way around all the social media things I need to do for my husband's dental practice in addition to keeping up with all the stuff I was doing before.  My father is here while Dennis is taking care of some of his dental needs.  It seems to be taking forever, however, it is a process and it shouldn't be rushed.  I'm reading Dennis's dental magazines and anything dental related to glean content for the social media things.   I'm working with Caitlyn on her wedding and collecting ideas for that.  I'm keeping track of Gr. Martha's health concerns which seems to change on a daily basis and have finally found some help in getting her up, cleaned up, dressed and breakfast prepared.  But, the faster I go, the more behinder I seem to get.
     Here it is 4 AM on a Monday morning and I haven't been to bed yet.  I did shopping at midnight and made it to 3 stores before I found all that was on my list.  Still missing a few things, but nothing is pressing.  I'm tired.  I have a million more things to do.  So what do I do, I'm blogging!  
     I'm also very worried.  Caitlyn and Chris are not worthy to have a temple wedding.  I'm sad by that.  For this to happen to another one of my daughters is hard for me.   I feel I have failed as a mother.  I should have been more diligent in my motherly duties.  I should have prayed harder for her.  Yes, I know, she is an agent unto herself and she and Chris have made a series of small mistakes that made it easier to make a big one.  But. . . . she is my girl, whom I love with all my heart and my heart hurts.
     I am worried about my sister-in-law, Marilynn.  She is Dennis's only sister.  She is the youngest in the family.  She is married and lives in Avondale, AZ.  Her husband is unable to work and is on disability and she is the sole breadwinner for the family.  Her two children are teenagers, Rachelle is a junior in high school and James is in 8th grade.  Her life is stressed enough, but add to her trails to bear is her diagnoses of an invasive breast cancer.  Her life in the balance, the thought of not being able to see her children grow up, go to college, go on missions, fall in love, get married and have children of their own is her big worry now.  Not to mention that she seems to be carrying this load by herself.  Her husband is unable to talk to her about "cancer", that big ugly word that throws a monkey wrench into your life.  She  does not want to tell her mother, my sweet mother-in-law, who lives here in this house.  Dennis and I and stunned and worried about her, but we carry our worry in private so as to follow Marilynn's wishes in sparing her mother from worrying too much.  
     I feel her pain.  I know a mother's thoughts and fears about her children.  Children need mothers.  I feel her sense of betrayal that her body has let her down and become her enemy to her own life.  I feel her loneliness and isolation.  She needs a shoulder to cry on.  She needs hugs.  She needs someone to keep her daily life going.  I wish I could be that someone, but I cannot.
     Life goes on.  It is Monday.  Caitlyn and Chris are coming up from Utah today.  Dennis is not working in the office this week.  We have a few days of vacation up at Wapato Point near Lake Chelan.  I will enjoy the late winter get away.  It gives me hope.  Hope that the winter ravaged landscape will no longer appear dead when the spring finally arrives.  Hope that life is everlasting.  Faith in my Savior's Atonement that my sins have been paid with his blood, that I can take His yoke upon me and bear what seems so unbearable.  I know Jesus lives and has borne all my pain and sorrows.  I know that He has opened the way for us to return to our Father in Heaven where I can live with my family forever, that there is life everlasting after this mortal life with the ones I love.  It is a comfort.  It is joy!  It is a bright sunrise after a stormy night.  It is hope.

My baby girl is getting married!

This is long awaited happy news for us.  Cait and I have had a frank discussions on her love life before the big engagement.  They had been dating about 8 or 9 months when I first asked her about their love life.


Me:  So, Cait, you and Chris have been dating for ions according to the Utah Young Mormon Singles dating timeline.  After about 4 months, there is usually some kind of decision on whether to keep dating or an engagement.  So what's up with you and Chris?
Cait:   We're still together.
Me:    Does that mean you're dating exclusively?  You're dating just as friends?  Does this mean you haven't decided yet?
Cait:   We're dating.  I don't date anyone else.
Me:    Are you guys talking marriage or do you two avoid that?
Cait:   We've mentioned it.
Me:    Is that a good thing?
Cait:   Yes.
Me:   So, you two are talking marriage like in you both want to marry each other?
Cait.  Yes.
Me:   (I waited for her to add more to her "yes", but after about 10 seconds or FOREVER, I answered)
          YAHOOOOO!!!!!  You guys are getting married!!!!!  I'm so excited!  So, does that mean you are      looking for rings?  Does this mean you have a date?
Cait:   Mom!  Mom!  We're just thinking about it.
Me:    Well that's is still really cool!  I'm still excited!  How do you feel about this?
Cait:   Yeah, I'm OK with this.
Me:    Are you two really happy together?
Cait:   Yeah!  We like hanging out together.
Me:    Do you really love each other?
Cait:   I guess we do.  We hang out.
Me:    Woooo HOOOOO!  You guys are getting married!!!
Cait:   Mom!  Mom!  Nothing's official yet.  We're just thinking about it.
Me:   Get a move on, girl!  Tell Chris to hurry up and ask you already.  We've got some planning to do!   What are you two waiting around for?


As you can tell, Cait tends to be very low-key about stuff.  I thought she would let go and be a little animated about this, but Cait is just a quiet girl.  I hope Chris doesn't mind that.

On January 31, 2011, Chris officially asked Caitlyn to marry him.  They went for a drive and ended up near their old apartment complex (that's where they met - they were neighbors and in the same Ward together) and they took a walk out by the soccer fields at UVU.  He got down on his knee and took the ring out of his pocket and said, "I brought you here to ask you to marry me because this is where I fell in love in with you".  She immediately sent us a picture text of her hand with the ring on her finger.  I called when I had a moment and was just so happy that I could only scream in the phone.  


So here it is, almost two weeks later and I am in agony.  There is no date yet.  There is no plan yet.  I feel like a sprinter in a starting position waiting for the gun to go off but it DOESN'T go off and you wait and wait and wait and wait.  The waiting is just driving me crazy.  I posted on Facebook today that I have lots of ideas for the wedding and I'm planning it in my head already and I asked Cait & Chris to hurry up and feed me some needed info.  I guess I'm just to impatient to wait.  I feel like going down there and to do the NCIS head slap to the back of the head and tell them to get a move on and not leave until I get an answer.  Well, assaulting my daughter and my future son-in-law is probably not a good thing but really, do you think anyone can blame me?

Counting My Blessings!

Did I happen to mention that I have the cutest grandchildren.  I love hearing little stories about each one of them.  In just a few weeks, there will be nine grandchildren.  The oldest one just lost his first tooth.  He was a baby just a minute ago and now he is just a take-charge kind of guy, a leader in his family, a guy who likes to keep things figured out.  My oldest granddaughter will be turning 5 next week.  Already her talents are so apparent: she sings, she is doing well in her piano studies (Thank you, Celi), she is reading (good job Mommy Lauren) and she loves studying the gospel.  Dallin, grandchild #3, has a perpetual grin on his face that just hints of mischief, but he loves to express his love to his mother often and me when I get to be around him.  Taylor Jean is grandchild #4 and she has the best laugh.  At 3 years of age, she has her father's quick wit, a love of music and dancing, and promise of being an exceptional athlete.  Next is grandchild #5, Morgan Amelia, who has got the art of looking cute down pat, a girl who thinks that building a snowman in the house was a great idea at the time and can get away with it by a tilt of her head and a killer smile.  Jaedyn is #6 and she is Taylor's shadow, dance partner and her big sister's biggest fan.  She is a mommy's girl and I just adore it when she snuggles up in her mother's lap with her thumb in her mouth and the other hand holding her pigtail.  Sadie is number 7 and up until a few months ago, seemed to be a quiet observer of her older sisters and sideline participant.  Now that she can run, the others will have just keep up.  Go Sadie!  Like her mother, she has mastered the art of language and self expression.  Yeah, Lauren, have fun with that!  And Haydn, grandchild #8 is a lovely little boy.  He is also a mommy's boy and when his mother was gone for two weeks, he let me love and snuggle with him.  I loved that he felt it was his job to throw what ever was in his reach down the stairs.  I know I shouldn't have encouraged it, but it just cracked me up the stuff he would throw down the stairs.  I can't wait to tell stories about grandchild #9, a little girl who will have 3 older sisters.  She is so lucky to have 3 best friends when she comes.

 It is so amazing to me that my children are parents.  It is also so amazing to me that my children who are married have eternal companions that are phenomenal people.  Their love for each other just radiates and enriches them.  It's like regular TV versus HD TV, like food without salt versus food with salt, like viewing life with sunglasses as opposed to viewing life without the sunglasses.  We are so lucky to have two more sons and one more lovely daughter without the pregnancy part.  Who knows, I may love them more because of that!  Just kidding!

I'm not done with this post, but  (yawn.....) I WAY too tired right now.  I love my bed!  I'm going there right now!

AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Boy has time got away from me!  It just shot right by!  In the back of my head there is a constant soundtrack to my life.  On days I'm trying to work and get a lot done, I hear my soundtrack acting like the narrative of my life.  Case in point:


Time, time, time, see what's become of me 
While I looked around 
For my possibilities 
I was so hard to please 
But look around, leaves are brown 
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter 

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/simon+and+garfunkel/#share


See what I mean?


Ok, I love Simon & Garfunkel.  I listen to them or some of my other favorites and suddenly I'm transported back in time to that moment when I listened with intent and thought about the words.  Sometimes that takes me back to my teen days in California.  Sometimes, I'm a newlywed in Seattle while Dennis is in school and sometimes I'm in the car running those thousands of errands that a soccer mom of five has to take care of.  Sometimes, the memories are in layers and all those memories come at once like a collage of thoughts, feelings, memory pictures of faces with the sounds and smells.


So, if I'm feeling a little ineffective like I'm butting my head against a wall, Simon & Garfunkel again with the chorus to "The Boxer".  Lately, my happy music is Santana's "Supernatural" and "Shaman".  My calm soundtrack are hymns.  Those are mostly sung my favorite Men's Chorus, those lovely boys at BYU.  I LOVE THOSE GUYS!!!  They are also my "stay awake" music, especially when I'm driving because I like to "lead" the music.  I can't tell you how many people have waved back at me because they thought I was waving to them.  Folks, I'm leading the music, can't you tell??  And most of all, the soundtrack when I think of my children when they were little and my grandchildren comes from Primary music.  There is no sweeter sound than little voices singing their hearts out.  


Well, I must get back to my life.  It is late and I'm just getting the bedding dry for Grandma Martha's bed.  She said she is OK waiting up until it is finished.  It was a hard day today.  I called her doctor to see if it was time to order labwork done to check for things I'm worried about.  It's amazing how much I know about her health and what I need to do to keep her going.  I'm hoping she isn't too sad that her only other living sibling passed away a few weeks ago.  She loved talking with Catherine and now she is the only one.  She has outlived her friends and her family.  At least she still has all her children and me!

I want to ESCAPE!

     Don't you just hate times like these?  The after Christmas take down to return your home to it's normal state times.  Chaos rules here.  Other family members here, who shall not be named, would rather I toss it all away and renounce my status as the resident hoarder.  I've been threatened with their intentions of alerting that Hoarding show that they found a new victim here at our house and that person would be me.  I will not take their taunting lightly.  They have touched a nerve that has injured my well protected feelings.  Apparently, they have no feelings for things that add richness to our lives by their memories.
     Grandma Martha has had problems with her legs swelling for the past couple of months.  I have had her in bed for the past couple of days while giving her a medication to draw out the excess water from her body.  She is unable to get into bed on her own and has been requiring assistance in walking even while she is holding on to the walker.  Last night was down right scary.  I had her walk into the bathroom to brush her teeth and use the bathroom and it took her 20 minutes to walk 12 feet.  She tried to leave the bathroom to walk to the bedroom to go to bed, but after an additional 20 minutes, I had Dennis bring in the wheelchair. It took both of us to walk her over from the bathroom to the wheelchair in the hallway because the wheelchair would not fit through the bathroom door.  It was hard to maneuver the wheelchair in the narrow hallway, but we got her back into the bedroom.  It took the two of us to get her up on her feet and onto the bed.  Once we got her into bed, we had to move her body to a comfortable position for her because she was unable to do it herself.  She was visible upset and very tired after that.  She hates being helpless.  She has her mind and knows the extent of her decline.  
     So, I'm a little in escape mode now.  I don't wish to pack, sort, find suitable places for stuff, clean, shop, plan menus, pay bills, manage all the paperwork piling up for me and worst of all, map out my fitness goals that includes dieting.  Last night, Dennis and I escaped for just a little while.  We went to see the movie "True Grit" at the Fairchild in Pasco.  It was a great movie and it was nice to escape.  However, I had to come back.
     I think the thing I would like to escape the most is the decision on what to do with Grandma Martha.  I may have reached my limits on what I can do to take care of her in our home.  I'm not going to be able to get her in or out of the house without help.  I'm not going to get her in the bath any longer.  I wonder if she knows that we are looking into nursing homes for her?  I wonder if she feels abandoned because she is getting too hard to care for?  I wonder what she is so afraid of when she brushes off talk about nursing homes or home care people?  I'm thinking it is the cost of everything.  Maybe it is the thought of being alone, of dying alone.  
     My eyes are open.  I see the tasks ahead of me.  It is a mountain of stuff to do which threatens to bury me and suffocate the life right out of me.  I pray for strength to do hard things.  I pray for strength to endure.  I pray for forgiveness for not wanting to drink my not so bitter cup.  I pray that I do not escape.

Christmas and the Great Beyond

I had a fun Christmas.  I'm sitting here tired and my mind can see the day go by and unfold in my memory, but words fail to materialize out of the head.  I do need to say that I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to hear my family sing Carols this year.  It was all me, when I could sneak a moment, but yet the others didn't join in.  Towards the end of the day, Steve & Bekki came and we all got to play with the little granddaughters, Taylor and Jaedyn who transformed into Fairies after opening their gifts.
Marilynn, Rachelle and James arrrived the day after Christmas.  Busy day, but rich with family.

I'm tired beyond reason right now.  I want to stay current on this blog thing, but I'm not doing a good job.

Well, maybe it shouldn't be about me.  I'm worried about Erin as George gets ready to leave for a 6 month assignment.  Worried about his driving in such hazardous conditions and being away for so long.  I'm worried about not being there for Lauren when #4 little girl is born in February.  I'm worried about Shawn as he has some disappointments and tragedy to overcome.  I'm worried about Cait and whether or not she is saving enough money for school, missing too much church because she is working and maybe not keeping up with her day to day tasks because of work and Chris.  I'm worried that Steve has such high expectations of himself that he is putting too much pressure on himself to do well is all that he does.  I'm worried for Kellen that the pressures of a competitive academic environment will be too stressful for him as well.  I worry!  I feel anxious!  I wish there were more I could do to relieve burdens and offer comfort.  And that's just my children I'm worried about.  I didn't even mention Dennis's family or my family.

I want to think that the New Year is a fun exciting blank page, but I see it as unchartered with no clear direction.  It gets harder every year.  This year I dread it.  2011 is going to beat me up!

I'm not one to suffer from seasonal depression and don't consider this to be a mental bump in the road.  Things are hard.  Economy still suffering putting hardships on the business.  Grandma Martha's health is declining and it is getting harder to care for her in my home.  I'm more trapped in my house than every before.  I don't know.  What can I say?  The great beyond is just one more thing to endure.

Snow

I look out over the back deck from the kitchen and look at the 2-3 inches of snow that blankets the outside.  I know it's winter.  Snow is good for the crops next spring.  I know this weather is expected, but there is a part of me that wishes it wouldn't be so darn hard to move around in.  

When I see snow, it illicits a memory barrage of snow related songs so prevalent around the holidays:

"Let It Snow, Let it Snow"

...."the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful. ....),

Winter Wonderland  

"Sleigh bells ring, are you listening, 

In the lane, snow is glistening

A beautiful sight,

We're happy tonight.

Walking in a winter wonderland. . . . . 

. . . . . . . . When it snows, ain't it thrilling,

Though your nose gets a chillin’

We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,

Walking in a winter wonderland."

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

"............I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Just like the ones I used to know

Where the treetops glisten, and children listen

To hear sleigh bells in the snow ............."

I sometimes think that those that wish for snow and pray for a white Christmases are more than those of us who would rather not see snow where we live.  Rosemary, my sister-in-law is one of those who welcomes the snow and enjoys it.  My Dad is another who does enjoy the snow.  What is funny about these people is that in my memory, I do not think these people ski, snowshoe, sled, ice skate or any other winter sport or activity, yet they like the snow, except maybe my Dad.  He once snowmobiled Yellowstone Park for Christmas.  


Snow.  So peaceful to watch.  So clean and pure when fresh fallen.  It seems to let the noise be absorped in it's whiteness.  I'll enjoy it's beauty today.  I'll watch for the light glistening off the snow crested hills.  I'll listen to the crunch of snow and ice under my feet.  Today, I will enjoy the snow.  

It's almost Christmas!!!!

I'm beginning to fill a little like Charlie Brown.  He has the best intentions, but things don't quite always turn out the way he wants and he is so under appreciated.  I'm doing the best I can, but I'm easily distracted.


I'm trying to finish up the Christmas shopping.  I WANT TO BE DONE SO BAD!  


Missing the family this year, but Kellen, he's a keeper.  He is the default kid at the house and will represent his siblings here at Christmas.  He is game for anything and doesn't give me too bad of a time over my idiosyncrasies.  Kellen's birthday is the 21st and he wants Black Rice Pudding.  It's some kind of Thai food and he only likes it at this one place.  I am hosting a Birthday Dinner party for his birthday at his favorite Thai food restaurant.  He has made the reservation for 8 people.  Not all his friends can come.  I'm not a fan of Thai food, but I'm willing to give it a go and celebrate my son's 29 years of making me laugh!


So, Christmas Day is not the big deal at the Park house, it is what is going to happen on the 26th, the day after Christmas and for the rest of the week.  I have invited Dennis's sister, Marilynn, to come up from Arizona with her two children, Rachelle (16) and James (13 and 6'2").  They need to spend some time with Gr. Martha while she is still able to enjoy people's company.  They are staying for a week.  It will be my job to keep the teenagers busy and entertained.  Marilynn will be one the hygienists during that week and will be working with Dennis at his office.  They leave on the Sunday, January 2nd.  


Anyway, all the planning falls on me.  All the doing falls on me.  All the shopping falls on me.  Delegate to Dennis?  I have done that a few times and I have to ask myself, do I really want to make my life a little harder?  He's not that into seeing the vision of what I want done, nor does he truly appreciate the ambiance I wish to imbue to our holiday season celebration.  Maybe it's a guy thing.  I'm really missing my daughters this year.  They understand.  They know!


And not to be bringing attention to myself, but it is my birthday on the 26th.  Yes, little ol' me born the day after Christmas.  I'm used to being forgotten and that's OK.  I'm old and I don't want to be reminded of how old.  I will be cooking my own Christmas dinner:  Emeril's Lasagna, Lettuce and Spinach salad, garlic toasted french bread.  I have never liked birthday cakes so I will also be making my own pies for the occasion.  I'm sure my Mother knows which one I want, yes indeed, a Mincemeat pie!  And for the other, fresh blueberry pie!  Sorry, Dennis, if you buy a frozen pie and think that is good enough, I will throw it like Frisbee to the rottweiler next door.  


All these birthdays really to do help me to remember the true meaning of Christmas, that a little baby was born, that angels proclaimed his birth with great joy, that shepherds came to worship the little babe born the King of Kings, that He was the only Begotten Son in the flesh, that He is the Redeemer of the world.  Yes, I feel such love for my Savior this time of year.  I love singing the Christmas carols.   When I do, I feel like part of the Heavenly choir that sang to the shepherds on that starlit night.  Yes, I love Christmas!  

The Tale of Three Cars and the Christmas Shopper

   Once upon a time, there was this strikingly beautiful wife and grandmother who loved to shop for Christmas.  Each year seemed to bring more grandchildren to love, more family to love and what says "I love you" best than a thoughtfully chosen Christmas gift.  This lovely lady had her shopping time thwarted several times by snow and icy roads, things to do at work and the up and down quality of health of the even older mom, grandmother and great-grandmother who lived in the same home as the lovely lady.  Each time the gorgeous gal would leave to run errands and to shop,  she wondered what car she would be driving that day.
    The lovely lady's favorite car was her little pearl colored 2003 3.25 TLS Acura.  It warmed up fast in the freezing weather and had seat warmers.  The next favorite car was a bright blue 2005 Mazda MPV.  This had lots of room for putting shopping bags full of gifts and goodies in the back.  And last, but not least, was the Grandmother's car, a 1998 black Buick Regal.  In the cold weather with lots of snow and ice, the cars did not have their snow tires on.  Over the course of several days, the cars were rotated in and out of the tire store, the snow tires taken out of storage and were soon all ready for winter driving, except the Buick, which did not have snow tires.
     Also living back at home, was the lovely lady's son, whose car has some minor problems and was not the most reliable vehicle.  It was not always decided between the Lovely Lady, her husband and the son which car each would be driving that day. There were times when no one would check which car they should drive and the last one to chose would have what was left. When the lovely lady would need to drive somewhere, she would wonder what car she would drive that day.
   One day, the Christmas Shopper went out in earnest to finish her shopping so that the gifts could be sent before Christmas.  She shopped and shopped and when her arms were full of packages, she made her way to the car, pulling her keys out ahead of time so that she could be ready to unlock the doors and carefully (plop) her treasures into the car.  She reached the parking lot.  It was cold, dark and a chill wind blew.  She looked for her car, but which one?  Was it the white one?  No, she was sure her son was driving it that day.  It had to be the blue Mazda.  She searched up and down the rows.  No little blue MPV was there, but she was sure she had the MPV.  The key fob, she remembered, try to unlock the door and see what car lights up.  She looked at the key fob and saw it was for the Buick.  That's funny, she thought to herself, why do I have the Buick keys when I drove the MPV?  She looked for the MPV keys but did not find them.  Pushing the unlock button on the key fob revealed the black Buick only a few feet away.   Chagrined, the shopper unburdened her arms of her packages into the opened car.
   Continuing on with her shopping, she went to Fred Meyer's, which had wonderful things to chose from like clothes, shoes, toys, furniture and groceries.  She needed to pick up some things for dinner that night and just a few more items for the grandchildren.  She enjoyed the shopping, walking up and down the aisles trying to remember what was on her list.  At least, the chosen items were purchased and the Gorgeous gal pushed her shopping cart into the dark night (parked in an area where the parking lot light was not working) and looked for her car.
    The icy blast of cold air made her hurry to find her car, except, where exactly did she park the car?  She looked to the left and looked for her car, except which car was she driving?  Once again she was sure it was the MPV.  She wasn't sure if she were close enough to unlock the car with key remote.  She thought she could see her little van, pulled out the key fob remote and tried to unlock the door.  Nothing happened.  She got a little closer to the van and still the remote would not unlock the door.  A glance at the remote revealed that once again, the Lovely Lady had keys for the Buick.  Not again, she thought.  A quick look around to make sure no one noticed she was trying to get into the wrong car and then she made her way through the parking lot still not quite sure where she parked. 

Them bones them bones .. them dry bones

Me, Dennis & his mother,
Gr. Martha on her 90th birthday

       Today was Gr. Martha day.  It was bath day and she had a doctor appointment to see Dr. Staeheli about the possibility of her right hip replacement surgery.  After months of jumping through hoops; like annual exam and blood work with primary care physician, 6 weeks of physical therapy and consult and 3 tests with a cardiologist, the end result is ..... drum roll please..... surgery not recommended because of her age, lack of mobility and need for blood thinners.  Darn, why he didn't say that at the beginning, I don't know.
       We also asked about doing another cortisone shot and this time, he prescribed cortisone in oral form.  She'll need to take some pills and see how things go.  It is amazing how many things you can learn over the course of the day.  
       Poor Gr. Martha.  I just rushed her all day.  Rush to the bath.  Rush getting dressed, hair done and lotion and lipstick.  Rush through breakfast.  Rush to the car and the appointment because I was running a bit late.  Rush to the car afterwards so I can pick her up some dinner at Arby's, drop off her prescription at the Walmart pharmacy, pick up 2 dozen rolls for the Relief Society Christmas program. Rush to drop her off at home, set up her dinner and then I rush out to the car to drop off the rolls at the church and for me to get to the office for an Internet marketing online conference by 5 PM.  
       She declined to go to the Relief Society Christmas dinner.  She stopped rushing and ate her dinner and has been sitting in her new lift recliner watching TV ever since.  

Martha A. Mackley Park
1940

       Things I wish could have been different:
1.  I should have pushed her to have her right hip replacement in 2000 or at least 6 years ago.  She would have been stronger then and she would not have her pain and mobility issues now.
2.  We should've insisted that she move to Kennewick after Gr. Rex passed away in 1994.  Just maybe having a different surgeon doing the left hip replacement would have prevented the nerve damage done by the other surgeon in Walla Walla.  
3.  I know this has nothing to do with Gr. Martha phsyically, but I wish David had never met Kimberly.  Gr. Martha would be happier with that.
       Oh well, the old Brown family saying..wish in one hand,$%*@ in the other and which one fills first?  Wishing doesn't do any good.  Hindsight doesn't keep you moving forward either.
       What is that other saying my mother used to say?  "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"

Wish I didn't have to sleep!

    I'm sure you all have had those days when you know you need to have something done that day and it just doesn't happen for one reason or another.  I started out with a plan on Monday, only to realize that once again, I was over ambitious.  I did get the Christmas stuff out of storage with Kellen's help.  I only got in 3 hours at the office on Monday and I haven't been back since.  Meant to get the Christmas things in the house yesterday, but Dennis took the Mazda with the stuff in it after dinner last night.  I improvised, I shopped the one day sale at Macy's until it closed at 11 pm.  Went home, got Gr. Martha tucked into bed and took a long warm (not hot) shower and slowly got ready for bed.
  I forgot the heating and air/conditioning repairman was coming today for the winter maintenance.  I got caught in my PJ's and I hurried up and got ready before they drove off.  The same young man has been coming for about 6 years.  It is so nice to see a familiar face who knows your history and all that's been done.  
  For some odd reason, I bought Fruity Pebbles.  It took about a month, but I just finished the box.  Chris, Caitlyn told me they were one your favorite cereals.  I don't know why, but for some reason, I have a need to try other people's favorite foods unless I know it will cause me great bodily harm, like spicy foods like salsa, Mexican food, some Asian foods or anything else that isn't MILD.  I'm sorry you all have to hear this, but if it burns going in, it burns coming out!  So, I've tried Fruity Pebbles.  Dottie likes Chocolate Cheerios and I'm giving those a second try.  BTW, diet begins in earnest on January 3rd!
  OK, I'm getting the Christmas stuff out of the car!  I'm setting up the tree!  Alright already!  I'm going!  I'll quit procrastinating.  I just wish I had children around me to help put the tree.  Here's another honesty moment, I really never had those type of children.  Most of the time it wasn't a big family moment to put up and decorate the tree.  Some say I was too picky about where and how the decorating process went.  So to those who now have families of their own, do you understand me now?
  And if I could really get by on 4 hours sleep, I would get a lot more done!  Nah, I'm still trying to figure out how to stay on task.  I think I got the mind of a five year old, no offense to grandchildren who have been 5 or will be 5 shortly.  
  OK, I'm going to decorate!  I think I need lunch.  Blood sugar dropping.  Yawn!  Tired too!

Monday . . . Monday . . . Monday

It's all true, what they say about Mondays.  The day you wake up and find the monotony of your routine begins again.  It's the day you want to get started with a fresh outlook and you tell yourself that you can do impossible things.  It's also the day you discover that you have psyched yourself out of what would have been a semi-productive day.  But today is not "blue".  It's still a happy day because I think I'm still an optimist.  Yeah, I use the word think as if to say that what I am may not be how those in my life and who I meet perceive me as anything but an optimist.  Perhaps I'm the person who loads too much food on their plate because their appetite is too big for their stomach.  Ready or not Monday!  I'm ready to rock!


Monday to do list:
Get the mower and tiller out for pickup and winter storage by Farmer's Exchange.  Get Christmas things out of storage.  Try and put in about 5 hours at the office.  Schedule my visiting teaching.  Do at least 2 loads of laundry.  Dejunk in readiness for company in less than 3 weeks.  Pickup the Christmas Cards I ordered. Work on my Christmas Card list and mail them out. Plan dinner - P90X for Kellen and low sodium for Gr. Martha.  Shop for groceries if needed.  Clean out the refrigerator.  Take the recycling bins out for pickup (like right now).  Finish the Christmas shopping list.  Start wrapping the gifts already bought. Get Grandma up, dressed and ready for the day.  Also get in some scripture study or read conference talks.


See what I mean?  I can do this!  I'm superwoman!  I think I need some chocolate.

The first Sunday in the last month of the year.

Lots of things go through your mind this time of year. A little self retrospect on what you had planned on doing this year versus what you actually did get done. Creating a blog is one thing to check off my list and another thing to check off my bucket list. Not that I have planned on dying this year, but I still have 26 days to the end of the year and anything can happen.

I'm sitting here thinking and letting my fingers expose my thinking process and all that is going through my head is the stuff that isn't done. I feel almost wicked that I don't have my Christmas decorations up. I haven't got any cards out. I haven't planned Christmas goodies or made the gift lists and shopping lists. Christmas really hasn't snuck up any faster than it did last year and the year before that. That magic day, tomorrow, it never really comes. It's always "today" and what I can do today. So what if the snow comes way to early and catches us without snow tires. So what if Grandma is not feeling good and needs a little extra TLC and a doctor visit. So what if your granddaughter, who is 3 years old, calls just to chat and you can hardly understand a word she says but you love every word. So what if your evening of projects falls apart because your husband gives you hug and asks you to come to dinner with him. What is important is done. That is always good to remember.